Feeling Good

Everything is going great. My plan to be happier is working. I'm back to my year 8 "happy self," only this new "happy self" still has problems like mild anxiety. It sucks, but I can get through it I'll just have to try really hard to not let it get to me and always think of the good things. I've been constantly Happy for 3 days now which is pretty good. If I go a whole week without feeling depressed it'll be a record!

Being happy is a lot easier than you think. Though it may seem hard when your depressed. But if you make everything right in your life and stop worrying too much you will feel better and then you'll want to smile. And the more you smile the more you'll want to smile therefore making you smile more. It seems complicated but trust me, it makes sense.

I used to feel really down whenever I couldn't see, or even talk to, Jeremy, but now I don't let that get to me. I just think he's probably doing something else and he cant get online. Its worked so far. I'm just trying to think of all the good outcomes of everything, though sometimes I do think of the bad things but that's normal, right? Everyone thinks of the bad things in life, some more than others, but everyone does it. You just gotta make sure you mostly think of the good things.

I hope all you guys are feeling happy and are well.

Speak to you sometime soon.

Jacinta <3
DFTBA

Can Someone Help?

I just cant find
That word for you
The word that describes
How I see u in my mind.

I need a special word
One that no one else uses
Maybe I should make one up
But then it wont make any sense.

I've been calling you handsome
But it doesn't seem right
I need a better one
But I cant think of any.

If only there was someone out there
Who could help me in this time of despair
If there are any other words that i could use
To describe how that special guy looks.

I don't like using the words "hot" or "sexy"
They're childish to me
I need a grown up word
One that's special for me.

If you could help
Please say so
You wouldn't understand
How thankful I would be.

It's Not As Simple As You Think

My love life is so complicated.
So many people to keep happy.
No time to actually love.
I cant just sit down with that one guy to chat without being interrupted by someone else.
I'm never alone there's always someone around me.

I cant let my feelings out without it sounding stupid.
I'm too hard on myself, can't do anything without putting myself down.
Everything I say goes through my head to be judged. It always comes out bad though.
When I want to talk to anyone, before I speak I analyse every word I want to say to make sure I don't make a fool out of myself.
But I do that anyway, without even trying, so it doesn't make a difference.

I'm not sure if love is the thing for me.
i like it a lot but its just to hard to please everyone when your in love.

There will always be this hole in my heart. From the first time I got dumped. It will never be filled until I get married or that one special guy heals it for me.
Even if we don't date it could still be fixed, making it easier for me in the future.

Everything is hard for me nowadays.
I don't know when it all started, but I want it to stop.
I want the "happy me" back. She's there occasionally but I want her all the time. Well, most of the time. Not this "I'll visit every once in a while" crap.
EVERY FUCKEN DAY! At least once a day!

I'm getting better, emotionally, mentally and even with relationships, though that one is very slow.
Maybe I should stop trying to please EVERYONE.
Maybe I should only please the people who care. The ones who want me to get better. The people close to me.

I don't care what everyone else thinks. This is my life. I'll live it my way!
So if you want me to change for you, you can FUCK OFF!!

You've Changed My Life

I used to think that I wasn't good enough, that I wouldn't find anyone who would fall in love with me. I thought that I was the complete opposite of someone that you could love. I thought I was a loser. I still sort of think that but not as much. My thoughts have been altered.

They changed when I met you, well when you told me that you liked me. It really gave me the boost that I needed, to think that an 18 year old could fall in love with me. So now that that's happened I can think well, if an 18 year old can like me who couldn't?

But I still think I'm not the best choice for anyone. I mean how could anyone love someone with pimples and scars all over their face? It doesn't look very nice. Maybe I'm only falling in love with people who go for my personality not my looks. But even then I'm weird.

Yes, I have had suicidal thoughts but I've always found an excuse to live. I have had a lot of thoughts about hurting myself and stuff. Like whenever I'm in a car I think about getting in a car crash and breaking a bone or something. I want to break either my right arm (so I don't have to play my trumpet and I can get some sympathy) or one of my legs (just for the sympathy). Every time I think about that though I think about something that I wont be able to do if that does happen. I do think about cutting myself but, again, I find an excuse not to do it.

As you can see I chicken out of a lot of things. I don't always stick to my plans, though I like to be organised.

I have so much to live for but sometimes I need an extra 'kick' to keep me going and all my friends provide that for me.

Thank You,
Jacinta
<3

Not Talking

So we normally talk every night which is awesome, but this weekend we didn't because you're in NZ and I was down at my grannies place. I was cool with that, but now that I'm home its not so cool. It feels weird. It's boring not talking to you. I'm not sure I'll be able to survive. I cant wait until Saturday for you to get back. I need to talk to you now, BEFORE I go insane. BEFORE I start to get depressed again. You're amazing at helping me with my depression and I thank you for that. If it wasn't for you telling me to stop, I would probably be cutting myself right now instead of writing this blog post about how you stop me haha.
I can never stop thinking about you. I know I always say that but I say it because its TRUE.
I miss you Jeremy. I love you and I want NEED to talk to you.

I love you.
<3 <3

LOVE

I'm in LOVE, I'm in LOVE.
Just so in LOVE.
Nothing can hold me back from my feelings.
I'm in LOVE.
This is not obsession, this is LOVE.
This is not depression, this is just missing you.

Don't you see what your doing to me?
You've pulled me in.
Now I cant let go.
I'm stuck and I like it.

You've made me fall in LOVE with you.
A feeling so strong it takes over my life.

I'm in LOVE, I'm in LOVE.
Just so in LOVE.

I'M
IN
LOVE

<3

It's Teasing Me (My Happy Self)

So I have this thing called a quick unpick (if you don't know what it is, it's used in sewing to unpick stitches that you don't want to be there). It's been in my pocket all day and I've been fiddling with it. It's sharp point teasing me wanting me to scratch myself. I've resisted the urge all day. Almost couldn't stop at one point, but I thought about what you said to me the second time I did it.

I thought about it long and hard, and so the feeling passed. If I hadn't have thought about what you said my wrist would not be clean right now. It would be red and slightly swollen where I would've scratched. I would be hiding my wrist from everyone's sight.

I would've only told like 3 people that I did it;
1: Jeremy
2: Naomi
3: Daniel (who I will always refer to as Dan)
These people are my closest friends they can help me through anything. Especially Jeremy and Naomi because they are older than me and they understand what I'm going through a lot more than Dan, because Dan doesn't like depression and stuff and he doesn't really know how to help people through it. So I always wait a few days before telling him, when I'm over it all.

This pain is always gonna be there. Nothing can get rid of it completely, but with my friends help I can survive it.

I am a strong person, even though sometimes I don't believe it.
I am beautiful, even though I don't think it.
I am happy, even though I don't show it.

I'm writing this to say that I want to change and I need my friends help. Only you guys can help me work through this. Make me tell you whats wrong. Make me smile. Make me laugh. Do everything you can to help me go back to my other self.

My Happy Self

If Only You Knew...

If only you knew what your doing to me. If only you knew how much it hurts. I love you and you love me but why do you do this? Why do you make me feel bad about everything? I have a sensitive heart and you're just making it hurt.

I'm not trying to be bitchy or mean but if this is all you want to do then maybe I'm not the girl for you. But I want to be your girl. I want to be the one you protect, the one that you can call "mine."

I really do love you, it's just I've been brought up this way. Where you shouldn't do those things until your way older and stuff.

I'm sorry I cant be who you want me to be. I'm sorry that it pisses you off. Maybe when i turn 16 that will all change. I don't know, it could. I'm just not ready for it yet but I want you. I want to keep loving you forever.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.









I'm Sorry.