Sometimes I wish that I wouldnt wake up but I know if that happened I wouldnt see any of my friends ever again.
It's like a burning inside of me. This fire wanting to escape. A bomb waiting to go off. Sometimes I feel as if my whole life is turning upside-down.
I'm not the over-excited, happy person I used to be. I'm now the sad, sad girl sitting on the train with all her friends that try to help but they know it'll never be the same.
I wish I could go back in time to before this all happened so I can change but I know if I do that I won't have all the amazing friends that I have now. The ones that keep me safe. Without them, my life right now would be SHIT.
Thank You <3
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Shit
So I haven't written a post in a while. But that's because I had a pretty shitty weekend. As you know Friday was shit (does that count as the weekend?).
Saturday was good because I had an audition in the morning and I think I impressed the director with my sense of humour and he was really nice as well so if I get a part in the play it will be so much fun.
The rest of Saturday was pretty good until late at night when someone sent me an anonymous ask on my Tumblr which scared the shit out of me because no one has ever told me something like that over the internet. I'm not allowed to tell you what was said though because it was an old rumor that ruined someones life...
Jeremy's.
I asked him about it and it didn't turn out how I had expected it too. It was one of the worst decisions I have made in my life. It could've ruined our whole friendship.
I went to bed that night and cried myself to sleep because I thought it was over. I thought that maybe things wouldn't go back the way they were. I had a dream about him that night but its too complex to tell in words. It was actually more of a nightmare. I woke up crying because it was like one of the stories that I had written in English had come true. I wrote that story because its something that i don't want to have happen to me.
Sunday was shitty because I was worried about Jeremy and what had happened the night before. I had so much stuff on my mind that I had to send him a message on fb even though he was out. It took me probably 15 minutes to write that message because I wanted to show him how much he means to me.
That afternoon I had acting classes which was really fun because we were like lifting people up and stuff but now I have a really sore shoulder....anyway we got to play with balloons and juggling balls so that was fun.
When I got home after acting I had a talk to a friend that knows the most about Jeremy, Naomi. I had to talk to someone, and because she knows him best I figured that she'd know about this and she did she told me everything that Jeremy had told her about it. It made me feel better. I then talked to Jeremy on Skype later that night and we had a chat about it and I told him that I felt really bad about bringing it up and stuff and he told me not to worry and I think its sorted out now. So that night I went to sleep feeling much better.
Yesterday was a pretty boring day not much happened so I won't bother telling you about it.
Today after school I got to hang with Jeremy, Naomi and Naomi's girlfriend. It was really fun because it's the first time that my parents had let me hang in the city with friends. Today I worked out that I'm not so good at this dating stuff....but you have to excuse me because I've only had 1 boyfriend and it's been a year since we went out so still trying to work out how it works if you know what i mean. HAHA
So my week is getting better, I've been a lot happier (mainly because Jeremy wants me to smile all the time and its kinda working so yer).
I probably wont post much during the week because not much interesting stuff happens but if anything does I'll consider writing a post XP
Talk to you sometime in the future :D <3
Saturday was good because I had an audition in the morning and I think I impressed the director with my sense of humour and he was really nice as well so if I get a part in the play it will be so much fun.
The rest of Saturday was pretty good until late at night when someone sent me an anonymous ask on my Tumblr which scared the shit out of me because no one has ever told me something like that over the internet. I'm not allowed to tell you what was said though because it was an old rumor that ruined someones life...
Jeremy's.
I asked him about it and it didn't turn out how I had expected it too. It was one of the worst decisions I have made in my life. It could've ruined our whole friendship.
I went to bed that night and cried myself to sleep because I thought it was over. I thought that maybe things wouldn't go back the way they were. I had a dream about him that night but its too complex to tell in words. It was actually more of a nightmare. I woke up crying because it was like one of the stories that I had written in English had come true. I wrote that story because its something that i don't want to have happen to me.
Sunday was shitty because I was worried about Jeremy and what had happened the night before. I had so much stuff on my mind that I had to send him a message on fb even though he was out. It took me probably 15 minutes to write that message because I wanted to show him how much he means to me.
That afternoon I had acting classes which was really fun because we were like lifting people up and stuff but now I have a really sore shoulder....anyway we got to play with balloons and juggling balls so that was fun.
When I got home after acting I had a talk to a friend that knows the most about Jeremy, Naomi. I had to talk to someone, and because she knows him best I figured that she'd know about this and she did she told me everything that Jeremy had told her about it. It made me feel better. I then talked to Jeremy on Skype later that night and we had a chat about it and I told him that I felt really bad about bringing it up and stuff and he told me not to worry and I think its sorted out now. So that night I went to sleep feeling much better.
Yesterday was a pretty boring day not much happened so I won't bother telling you about it.
Today after school I got to hang with Jeremy, Naomi and Naomi's girlfriend. It was really fun because it's the first time that my parents had let me hang in the city with friends. Today I worked out that I'm not so good at this dating stuff....but you have to excuse me because I've only had 1 boyfriend and it's been a year since we went out so still trying to work out how it works if you know what i mean. HAHA
So my week is getting better, I've been a lot happier (mainly because Jeremy wants me to smile all the time and its kinda working so yer).
I probably wont post much during the week because not much interesting stuff happens but if anything does I'll consider writing a post XP
Talk to you sometime in the future :D <3
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Shit Day
So yesterday was a pretty shit day. I woke up depressed and it got worse. In the afternoon I got home and talked to Jeremy on Skype for 5 minutes because I had to tell/show him something. Something that I wont tell anyone else. Something that made him really worried.
I didn't know why I was so depressed yesterday, I still don't.
I just was.
After I talked to Jeremy I had to go to Juu Jitstu (self defence classes) and I felt a lot better because I could just pretend to be happy which actually made me happyer. Before I got there I wrote this text to Jeremy;
"I've never realised how hard it can be for some people to smile until today.....Normally I find it really easy.....I can now be more understanding of people who are having difficulties. As I've always said, smiling can really brighten your mood so thats what I'm doing now and it really works :) <3"
and he wrote back;
"good girl"
so after that I felt better.
Today I had my audition for a play called MINE and I think it went really well. The director is really nice so if I get a part im sure I'll enjoy it very much :D
I haven't been able to talk to Jeremy today because he is at a farm or something but hopefully I'll be able to talk to him tonight :)
<3
I didn't know why I was so depressed yesterday, I still don't.
I just was.
After I talked to Jeremy I had to go to Juu Jitstu (self defence classes) and I felt a lot better because I could just pretend to be happy which actually made me happyer. Before I got there I wrote this text to Jeremy;
"I've never realised how hard it can be for some people to smile until today.....Normally I find it really easy.....I can now be more understanding of people who are having difficulties. As I've always said, smiling can really brighten your mood so thats what I'm doing now and it really works :) <3"
and he wrote back;
"good girl"
so after that I felt better.
Today I had my audition for a play called MINE and I think it went really well. The director is really nice so if I get a part im sure I'll enjoy it very much :D
I haven't been able to talk to Jeremy today because he is at a farm or something but hopefully I'll be able to talk to him tonight :)
<3
Thursday, March 08, 2012
Parents Dont Understand
Parents dont understand that we cant do everything at once, we have problems that cant be overcome, school is hard and we try our best. They say they they know what we're going through but they dont, times have changed. Everything is different from when they were kids.
They dont understand that we can get distracted and we dont want to do things thats just how we are. They keep thrusting jobs in our face like we have nothing to do, and they get angry at us if we havent done something because we were doing the other job that they wanted us to do first.
My parents get on my nerves sometimes because they want me do do 5 million things at once, then i get stressed and i dont eat and then they're like finnish your dinner! and im like I cant because im fucken stressed and this is what happens.
I know what your gonna say "they're only trying to help, they just love you" I know but cant they do it in a different way??
Rant over.......back to homework.....
They dont understand that we can get distracted and we dont want to do things thats just how we are. They keep thrusting jobs in our face like we have nothing to do, and they get angry at us if we havent done something because we were doing the other job that they wanted us to do first.
My parents get on my nerves sometimes because they want me do do 5 million things at once, then i get stressed and i dont eat and then they're like finnish your dinner! and im like I cant because im fucken stressed and this is what happens.
I know what your gonna say "they're only trying to help, they just love you" I know but cant they do it in a different way??
Rant over.......back to homework.....
Wednesday, March 07, 2012
Message To You
Jeremy,
You weren't on the train today. You had a doctors appointment. I was fine. Until I sat in the corner of the train. I put my sunnies on and listened to my music real loud. You weren't there. I wanted to cry.
I survived the train ride home, just. I really wanted to see you there and then. I texted you asking if u were going to be on Skype tonight and how your appointment with the doctor went. You said that u will be on at 5:30 and that you have to have surgery in 6 months. I got home and I waited for you to get on. You got on at exactly 5:30 which is impressive. We chatted for a while which I was super duper happy about.
You had to go because you had to have a shower. You won't be on Skype for the rest of the night because you might be on the phone and your parents are going to talk to ur sis. Luckily there is still fb so we will chat all night, thats if you dont get side tracked again HAHA.
I just wanna see you all the time. From next week I will only get to see you on the train on Mondays Tuesdays and possibly Fridays, if I wait for you. And then we will talk on Skype but its not the same. I cant have you sit next to me and hug me on Skype. I can't lock my fingers between yours. It's just not the same!
I hope that next week I'll be able to go into the city with you and we can have lots of fun, without worrying that my parents will find out because they wont be there.
Miss you and Love you,
Jacinta
You weren't on the train today. You had a doctors appointment. I was fine. Until I sat in the corner of the train. I put my sunnies on and listened to my music real loud. You weren't there. I wanted to cry.
I survived the train ride home, just. I really wanted to see you there and then. I texted you asking if u were going to be on Skype tonight and how your appointment with the doctor went. You said that u will be on at 5:30 and that you have to have surgery in 6 months. I got home and I waited for you to get on. You got on at exactly 5:30 which is impressive. We chatted for a while which I was super duper happy about.
You had to go because you had to have a shower. You won't be on Skype for the rest of the night because you might be on the phone and your parents are going to talk to ur sis. Luckily there is still fb so we will chat all night, thats if you dont get side tracked again HAHA.
I just wanna see you all the time. From next week I will only get to see you on the train on Mondays Tuesdays and possibly Fridays, if I wait for you. And then we will talk on Skype but its not the same. I cant have you sit next to me and hug me on Skype. I can't lock my fingers between yours. It's just not the same!
I hope that next week I'll be able to go into the city with you and we can have lots of fun, without worrying that my parents will find out because they wont be there.
Miss you and Love you,
Jacinta
Tuesday, March 06, 2012
Good/Bad
Well today was a good day. I got to see Jeremy again on the train. We sat next to each other and he put his arm around me and I held onto his hand and put my fingers in between his.
I was talking to him before on fb and I wanted to talk to him on skype but he was on the phone so he couldnt talk. He has now gone offline and has been for like 30 mins or so but I just wanna talk to him, I wanna send him a txt but im not sure if he's off the phone or not and I dont want to interrupt him.
So now I just feel like crying. It's weird. It hurts. My parents will be home soon so I don't want to. But its really hard to stop. I just wanna hug him and not let go. Never ever let go. He's the sweetest guy I have ever known.
Why do things have to be so hard? Why?
I was talking to him before on fb and I wanted to talk to him on skype but he was on the phone so he couldnt talk. He has now gone offline and has been for like 30 mins or so but I just wanna talk to him, I wanna send him a txt but im not sure if he's off the phone or not and I dont want to interrupt him.
So now I just feel like crying. It's weird. It hurts. My parents will be home soon so I don't want to. But its really hard to stop. I just wanna hug him and not let go. Never ever let go. He's the sweetest guy I have ever known.
Why do things have to be so hard? Why?
Monday, March 05, 2012
Welcome
This is my life in words. I'm going to be posting my thought here so if you dont like depressing posts or other posts of that nature please dont read them i dont want to be held responsible for anything. sometimes i just need to get my thought out there for everyone to hear, it helps me sometimes.
if you do come back to my blog it would mean a lot to me but i cant promise a schedule of blogs just every now and then i will post, whenever i feel like it. sorry. i hope you dont get put off and i will talk to u sometime in the future see ya <3
if you do come back to my blog it would mean a lot to me but i cant promise a schedule of blogs just every now and then i will post, whenever i feel like it. sorry. i hope you dont get put off and i will talk to u sometime in the future see ya <3
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