That space, that space, it's closing up. That space in my life for
you my friend is closing up and I cant stop it, and I don't really care.
Help me, help me, I'm going now. I'll leave you here by
yourself. I'll leave you with so many unanswered questions.You want to
know the answers but they're nowhere to be found.
I don't want to die but I just don't think I can hang with you anymore. I feel bad about this but it's better for me. You make me feel like shit every day. You don't want me to go out with Jeremy because you're jealous. Well listen to this; I DON'T CARE. I love him and that's all that matters. You feel like your losing me because you are. You're doing this to yourself, to me.
You
decide what you want to do now. I've already decided for me. They'll
probably be the exact opposite but you know what? FUCK YOU. Fuck you and
everything you've said to me. It doesn't help, nothing you say helps it
only makes things worse. That's why I don't tell you anything. You just make things fucking worse.
I shouldn't care about what you say. It's supposed to not get to me but it fucking does. OK? It fucking does.
So
you can go fuck yourself away from me and I hope you can either do
something to change yourself and come back or you just choose to stay
away. It's probably better for the both of us.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WORDS!
Monday, May 07, 2012
Friday, May 04, 2012
Nothing Is As It Seems
You look at her, she's happy. You turn away. You look again and she's
in tears. She tries to hold on but she's held on too long. She just
lets it all out. You're in class with her and she has this break down. She doesn't want you there but you stay anyway because you care and she
needs to know that. She cant form her words, she blubs them out. You
don't understand what she's saying but you keep listening anyway.
You take her out of class and you try to make sense of it all. Its come all too suddenly. You never knew before. She's held on too long without letting anyone know. It's too late to help her. Your loosing her but you cant help. Nothing you do makes anything right.
You stay by her side, hold her hand, and keep trying to make sense of it all. When did it all start? Was it your fault? How do you help her? Is it even possible to help her now? You start having doubts. You start to blame everything on yourself. Making everything worse.
You cant help but feel like the space in her life for you is closing up. Like your not wanted anymore. You don't talk to her as much anymore but you still care. You want everything to be OK but there's nothing you can do.
You don't go out often anymore. You sit at home hoping that she's OK instead of seeing her scars and KNOWING that she's not. It all becomes too much. Now your the one who's held on too long. Without letting anyone know. You start to feel the same way she does.
You don't see her anymore. It became far too much for you to handle. You let her go. You don't know if she's OK. You don't even know if she's still alive. You were all she had and you let her go.
A couple of months later you find out that she killed herself. You were invited to her funeral. You chose to go. She left you a note. "Why me?" you may ask. You read the note. She was all alone. No other friends to turn to. You could have helped if you believed but you chose to stay out and now she's gone, you don't know what to do. You feel even worse. You should have been there.
Things start to get worse for you. Your grades start to drop, you want to be alone all the time. You try to hold on but its just too much. You have no one to turn to. None of your friends know whats going on.
Your in class one time. Your happy then all of a sudden you start to cry. You have a breakdown because you've held on too long. Your friend stays there with you. You cant form your words properly, you just blub them out. She wont understand what your saying but you hope she keeps listening.
She takes you out of class. You've never told anyone before. You kept it all to yourself. You've held on too long. She tries to help but nothing she does works. You thank her on the inside but you show her how thankful you are for her by trying to stay strong.
Your friend doesn't talk to you as much anymore. You wonder why. You start feeling worse because you want your friend to be there. You then stop seeing her altogether, like she's disappeared from the world. She's all you had and now she's gone.
You write her a note it reads;
Dear (friend),
You were all I had. You left me. I'm all alone and I don't know what to do. I need your help but your not here.
This is where everything ends for me. My life, our friendship. I will always remember you but when I'm gone you must try to hold on.
I hope we meet again.
Goodbye.
Your friend,
(your name)
You fold it up and write her name on the front and pin it to your jacket. You then write a smaller note to your parents stating that you would like your friend to come to your funeral. You fold that up and write "mum and dad" on the front and pin it next to the other one.
In the middle of your room you have a rope hanging down all tied up. You place a chair underneath and stand on it. You put the rope around your neck.
"Goodbye." you say out loud. Then step off the chair and the rope dangles you merely inches above the ground. You wait, and then your gone.
You take her out of class and you try to make sense of it all. Its come all too suddenly. You never knew before. She's held on too long without letting anyone know. It's too late to help her. Your loosing her but you cant help. Nothing you do makes anything right.
You stay by her side, hold her hand, and keep trying to make sense of it all. When did it all start? Was it your fault? How do you help her? Is it even possible to help her now? You start having doubts. You start to blame everything on yourself. Making everything worse.
You cant help but feel like the space in her life for you is closing up. Like your not wanted anymore. You don't talk to her as much anymore but you still care. You want everything to be OK but there's nothing you can do.
You don't go out often anymore. You sit at home hoping that she's OK instead of seeing her scars and KNOWING that she's not. It all becomes too much. Now your the one who's held on too long. Without letting anyone know. You start to feel the same way she does.
You don't see her anymore. It became far too much for you to handle. You let her go. You don't know if she's OK. You don't even know if she's still alive. You were all she had and you let her go.
A couple of months later you find out that she killed herself. You were invited to her funeral. You chose to go. She left you a note. "Why me?" you may ask. You read the note. She was all alone. No other friends to turn to. You could have helped if you believed but you chose to stay out and now she's gone, you don't know what to do. You feel even worse. You should have been there.
Things start to get worse for you. Your grades start to drop, you want to be alone all the time. You try to hold on but its just too much. You have no one to turn to. None of your friends know whats going on.
Your in class one time. Your happy then all of a sudden you start to cry. You have a breakdown because you've held on too long. Your friend stays there with you. You cant form your words properly, you just blub them out. She wont understand what your saying but you hope she keeps listening.
She takes you out of class. You've never told anyone before. You kept it all to yourself. You've held on too long. She tries to help but nothing she does works. You thank her on the inside but you show her how thankful you are for her by trying to stay strong.
Your friend doesn't talk to you as much anymore. You wonder why. You start feeling worse because you want your friend to be there. You then stop seeing her altogether, like she's disappeared from the world. She's all you had and now she's gone.
You write her a note it reads;
Dear (friend),
You were all I had. You left me. I'm all alone and I don't know what to do. I need your help but your not here.
This is where everything ends for me. My life, our friendship. I will always remember you but when I'm gone you must try to hold on.
I hope we meet again.
Goodbye.
Your friend,
(your name)
You fold it up and write her name on the front and pin it to your jacket. You then write a smaller note to your parents stating that you would like your friend to come to your funeral. You fold that up and write "mum and dad" on the front and pin it next to the other one.
In the middle of your room you have a rope hanging down all tied up. You place a chair underneath and stand on it. You put the rope around your neck.
"Goodbye." you say out loud. Then step off the chair and the rope dangles you merely inches above the ground. You wait, and then your gone.
In Maths
So I'm in maths right now. I've hardly done anything. I never do much only like 2 questions because it's always too easy for me so I can never be bothered to do it. i only do more questions if i don't get it (which is hardly ever) but then once I get it I just stop.
I get to see Jeremy this afternoon. I cant wait. It's always a good end to my day when I get to see him.
This is only a quick update just because I'm bored.
Talk to you guys soon!
Jacinta <3
I get to see Jeremy this afternoon. I cant wait. It's always a good end to my day when I get to see him.
This is only a quick update just because I'm bored.
Talk to you guys soon!
Jacinta <3
Wednesday, May 02, 2012
I'VE DONE IT!
I DID IT! I went a whole week without feeling depressed :D This is the best thing ever!
I had a great afternoon yesterday on the train and then I hung out in the city with Jeremy and Naomi. We hung out in Myer and next weekend we're gonna go there again and Jeremy is gonna try on one of the dresses. It's gonna be SO funny. I'm gonna have a wonderful time.
I really love Jeremy, he's so nice to me and he cares about me. It's the best feeling ever.
I have so many secrets that I'm keeping. Two of them are with Jeremy and its really hard to not tell everyone but I can do it. If I told anyone those secrets Jeremy would hate me and maybe wouldn't trust me ever again. That would totally suck. So I'm keeping them no matter how hard it is.
I'm also keeping a whole lot of other peoples secrets. I'm keeping every single one of them. I'm not telling a soul because I'm someone that you can trust to keep secrets. I've never told anyone any secrets apart from my own that I have and I can trust those people to keep them because they've trusted me with theirs.
My life is good at the moment but could turn bad at the click of my fingers so I'm watching what I say and do and I'm also trying to think of all the good things and it's working for me so far so I'm gonna keep it up.
Hope you guys are having a great day and I'll speak to you some time!
Jacinta
<3
I had a great afternoon yesterday on the train and then I hung out in the city with Jeremy and Naomi. We hung out in Myer and next weekend we're gonna go there again and Jeremy is gonna try on one of the dresses. It's gonna be SO funny. I'm gonna have a wonderful time.
I really love Jeremy, he's so nice to me and he cares about me. It's the best feeling ever.
I have so many secrets that I'm keeping. Two of them are with Jeremy and its really hard to not tell everyone but I can do it. If I told anyone those secrets Jeremy would hate me and maybe wouldn't trust me ever again. That would totally suck. So I'm keeping them no matter how hard it is.
I'm also keeping a whole lot of other peoples secrets. I'm keeping every single one of them. I'm not telling a soul because I'm someone that you can trust to keep secrets. I've never told anyone any secrets apart from my own that I have and I can trust those people to keep them because they've trusted me with theirs.
My life is good at the moment but could turn bad at the click of my fingers so I'm watching what I say and do and I'm also trying to think of all the good things and it's working for me so far so I'm gonna keep it up.
Hope you guys are having a great day and I'll speak to you some time!
Jacinta
<3
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